


0-8-4

by lazyfish



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Maybe you could call this crack?, Sex Toys, enchanted sex toys, idk man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15606534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazyfish/pseuds/lazyfish
Summary: Bobbi is left alone in the lab with a very interesting looking 0-8-4.





	0-8-4

There is an 0-8-4 on the table in front of her, and Bobbi still maintains that she should  _ not _ be the one dealing with it, but Fitz won’t touch the thing.

Why not?

Because it looks like a damn dildo.

The object is sitting on the table in front of her, looking as innocuous as it possibly could. It doesn’t exactly look like a dildo - it just has the same general long, sleek shape, with a slight curve to it. The scientist had balked nonetheless, and insisted that Bobbi had just as much of a right to inspect it as he did. He’s also still ignoring the majority of his duties in his search for Simmons, though, so Bobbi wonders if she shouldn’t be taking his reticence to inspect the not-dildo as seriously as she is.

She has on a pair of heavy duty gloves, and a protective vest. One of her working theories is that this is a gun of some sort, and she’d rather not get shot. Again. Bobbi has a feeling that if this  _ is _ an alien gun, she’ll be missing more than just a lung if it shoots her.

After an hour of examining the 0-8-4 and running every fathomable test on it, Bobbi still hasn’t discovered anything new about it. If it’s a gun, she can’t find a trigger for it. Considering she’s touched every inch of it, the trigger would either have to be a complicated mechanism or biometrically linked for the gun theory to be plausible.

Bobbi peels the gloves off her hands. The object had come back negative for any radiation or toxins, so technically she’s clear to touch it bare-handed. She had been using the gloves more as a safety precaution, but she’s hoping that with a lighter touch she might be able to figure more out.

The moment she touches the 0-8-4 with her bare hands, it reacts, emitting a high pitched buzzing noise. The lab is otherwise empty (she’s working on a Saturday, since the 0-8-4 was a high-priority item and Coulson didn’t want it gathering dust all weekend) so there’s no one else to witness the undignified way Bobbi claps her hands over her ears.

The sound fades, leaving behind a ringing in Bobbi’s ears that she’s not a fan of. She shakes her head to try to dispel the sound, but all her shaking does is loosen the bun that’s gathered at the nape of her neck. Bobbi sighs loudly, turning back to the 0-8-4 to try to figure out where the sound had come from.

The thing is, the alien artifact no longer looks the same. It’s become much more compact, small enough to fit in the palm of her hand. Bobbi’s trying not to make the connection, but it’s impossible.

The damn thing went from a dildo to a vibrator.

Bobbi does  _ not _ get paid enough for this shit.

She picks it up, really hoping that her original reaction was wrong, but when she picks up the 0-8-4 and twists the base, it begins pulsing.

Okay. So. The 0-8-4 is most likely an alien sex toy. But that doesn’t explain the buzzing noise, or the change in shape, unless…

This just keeps getting more and more mortifying. The only explanation Bobbi can think of is that the artifact took some sort of scan when it touched her skin, and it changed itself to reflect what it thought she wanted. 

To test this hypothesis, she’s going to need someone else to come to the lab and touch the thing. Despite having spent the past hour wishing for Fitz to be the one to do the examination, Bobbi is not going to call him now. She has exactly one team member that she feels comfortable knowing the preferred sex toy of, and that’s because she used to be married to him.

Bobbi dials Hunter’s number. It’s no surprise when he answers on the second ring.

“Hey, baby,” she says before he can ask her if everything’s alright, like he’s been wont to do since her knee injury. “Can you come down to the lab please? Thank you.”

Bobbi hangs up without even waiting for a response, and Hunter is in the lab not five minutes later, looking slightly out of breath.

“Please don’t do that,” he mutters as he wraps her up in his arms after seeing that she was okay. Bobbi sighs, kissing him lightly. 

“I didn’t want you to ask any questions,” she admits.

Hunter raises his eyebrows. 

“Just… hold this.” Bobbi grabs the 0-8-4 from her work station, setting it in Hunter’s hand before he can protest.

The 0-8-4 screeches again, but Bobbi’s more prepared for it, and doesn’t have to cover her ears.

“I didn’t do anything!” Hunter says, throwing the 0-8-4 back down when the noise ceases.

“I know you didn’t.” Bobbi walks over to inspect the object. Sure enough, it’s changed shape again. It’s a smooth, silicone-looking ring that looks about the perfect size for Hunter’s dick.

“Are you going to explain what’s happening?” Hunter asks. He’s standing several feet away from her now, eyeing the 0-8-4 wearily.

“It’s an alien sex toy,” Bobbi says bluntly. “It started as a dildo, and I touched it and it became a vibrator, and you touched it and it became a cock ring.”

“...Well, have fun writing that in a report for Coulson,” Hunter says, already turning to leave.

“Hunter,” Bobbi pouts at him. “Stay.”

Because Hunter is a sucker who loves her, he does stay. He plops himself into a chair, and Bobbi arranges herself on his lap without asking his permission. She spreads out the paperwork for filing the 0-8-4, beginning to fill it out as carefully as possible.

_ Appearance _ ? Variable.

_ Function _ ?

“Hunter, what’s a scientific way to say sex toy?” Bobbi asks. She doesn’t expect him to actually know, but asking the question aloud might help jog her brain.

“Try… aid to stimulate erogenous zones?” Hunter suggests.

“That’s actually not that bad.” Bobbi says, scratching it down. 

“Bobbi,” Hunter says suddenly. “Make sure Coulson doesn’t touch that thing.”

Bobbi wrinkles her nose. “Ew, ew, ew,  _ ew _ . Why did you say that, Hunter!?” Now she’s thinking about Coulson and sex toys, and just - no. 

“I’m sorry, I thought it and I didn’t want to suffer alone!”

“I hate you,” Bobbi huffs.

“Which is why you called me to help you with your sexploits, right?” Lance teases.

“It’s not a sexploit, Hunter, it’s a very important part of my job!” Bobbi insists. 

“Yes, dear,” he says, kissing in between her shoulder blades. 

“When I’m done with this, we can have sex,” Bobbi promises. She’d be lying if she said the idea of Hunter wearing a cock ring didn’t get her a little hot and bothered.

“I like the way you think,” Hunter says, leaning forward to nibble at her earlobe. Bobbi shivers.

“Five minutes, babe,” she tells him, squinting at the paperwork. 

Five minutes can’t get there fast enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Three things in one day? Al is insane. (Al is me. I am Al. I don't know if that's anywhere on my AO3 haha.)
> 
> Hit me up on [tumblr](https://huntxngbxrd.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
